english
Recieved 8th October 2018
JVA Köln, 22th September 2018
There's an expression/ phrase in English, for want of better words, and I feel it now. Perhaps I don't know the 'right' words to say because my English is not good enough, or perhaps they don't exist. I never felt like I'm good with words anyway and they always bunch up and get stuck inside me, like a lump in my throat. But what can I say? What is there to say? The loss of any life cuts into my soul. I never knew or met the person, I cannot call them a life companion or a close friend as many of you can, but I still feel lost and heartbroken and helpless and so many other things. Today is Saturday and I'm finally trying to write about the loss because I just... I've been shaken and speechless. I didn't even know them and I've been sitting in the cell crying for days as if my heart is being wrapped tightly in barbed wire. I'm crying now and words are bunching up in my head but what the hell do I even say? I'm still in shock, it feels so unreal. None of this is coming out how I want it to. It doesn't feel like enough. And how can it be? Words are just moments of sound carrying the essence of thoughts in my head, in our heads. Words cannot feel, they can only try to tell you the things going on inside someone. They cannot be enough to show you the depth of all of it. There is just way too much. This is all too much. I wish I could take you with me into the sea of words, thoughts and feelings crashing around me. I wish I could show you. Take you into the deafening white noise. Words are not enough to capture it all, I don't even kow where to begin. I know I feel too much. I always have. But I never talk about how much I feel because people call me crazy for getting upset when they spray poison over ants or crush spiders or step on bees who are doing nothing but minding their own business. I care about every life wether I know the individual or not. People tell me I sound like their mother when I ask them to please look after themselves. I don't mean to. I just really fucking care. I care so fucking much and it kills me to see someone who is sad or upset or not okay and knowing I can't help or do anything. Sometimes I feel like there's enough love and care and protective feelings inside me that even if I was the only person on earth who cared about someone it might be enough. And I've known people where my love for them has had to be enough because I've been the only person to give a shit about them. Like for the boy whose parents told him their lives would be better if he didn't exist, who abused him, kicked him out of their house for simply existing. I fucking hope he's okay. I've been in prison over six months now and there is no way he knows I'm here. Does he think I've abandoned him? Left him like everyone else? Is he back in hospital because of an "accident"? Is he even going to still exist when I am released? I am so fucking stressed. There are so many people, there is so much pain. It's not my place, but I want to be there for all of them, help them, love them, save them, if they want me to or will let me. It's what I want to do, the only thing I want to do. I care so fucking much. I don't give a shit what people have done I will still love them anyway. I'm at a loss for words again. I take the pain of an individual personally. If you're in pain, I'm in pain too. If you have a problem, I damn well will make it my problem and do everything I possibly can to fix it or make it easier or whatever. Whatever you need - a buffer, a shield, a friend, a sister, a hug, someone to listen, someone to care, anything - you best believe I will do everything I can to be that for you. Everything going on with me is pushed aside (by me). You come first for me. You are important. Even if I don't know you. I'm going to try and love, care for, save the world one person at a time. And now there's so much pain and a life is lost and I'm fucking stuck here and I can't reach out to be there for anyone and I feel lost and helpless and out of place. I can't do what I want to, what makes me happier than anything else in the world. Helping. I'm broken because someone is gone and I know nothing would be different if I wasn't here but it feels like standing outside a slaughterhouse again watching all these complex and unique individuals going inside and knowing I can't do anything. I feel like I'm just standing and watching and all I can say is I'm so fucking sorry, I'm fucking trying I wish I knew a way to save you right now but I can't I can't I can't I'm so fucking sorry. I feel helpless and small and useless. I feel like an animal in a cage at a zoo watching all of you from behind a sheet of thick one way unbreakable glass. I'm banging and banging and banging but none of you can hear me or see me and I'm crying and crying and crying because I just fucking want to help and I can't and I'm so fucking tired - my body, my bones, my mind, my heart, my soul - of not being able to do anything. A new friend arrived in the house on Tuesday. At least I can try and help them. Maybe it'll help me ease some of my utterly helpless feelings. I can do something even if it's only little things. I can't be out there but maybe right now it's more important for me to be in here. I know how it runs here. I can be the friend who helps people navigate the shitty system. Little things. I hope that the accident changes something. In six years there hasn't been anything like it. The treehouses are not dangerous. The stress of being surrounded by an army of police and the stress of wanting to save the forest from an utterly selfish private company is (as well as all the personal stress too). If a self centred profit driven asshole company hadn't put their totally unnecessary wants over the needs of the planet (Unterstreichung von UP III) and a future worth living in for everyone then I truly believe this wouldn't have happened. Stress changes everything. One wrong step, one wrong move, one wrong turn because (maybe) someone feels they don't have time to check they are safe and a life is lost. A single moment. One singled, stressed moment. How dare anyone imply otherwise. Sure, maybe it could have still happened. People can try to argue that one but I'm not buying it. Six years and it hasn't happened before. Six years. If police didn't make people feel like they don't have time to double check they are secured and/or safe then the chance of this happening is virtually non existent. If you aren't stressed and know you have time to take your time then you take it and double, triple, as many times as you want check that you are secure and/ or safe. The occupation and the treehouses are not the problem (Unterstreichung von UP III). If you look at all the information you dan get about it from those who live there it is pretty fucking obvious the police and stress are the problem. The only blame (to me) lies with the selfish profit driven private company who employed an army of police to put the pressure and stress on. Hopefully they take a good long look at themselves now. There is absolutely no need to cut down Hambi. None. It feels like, now, they only want to do it to prove they can. Nothing else. An egoistical stupid power trip. That's all. They want to crush lives and continue feeding climate change just so they can say we got what we wanted. It is so fucked up I don't even know what else to say. Actually, maybe I do. If the forest is cut you better fucking believe I will become the most obnoxious and driven human being on the whole damn planet. I will do everything in my power to fight for real justice. Whatever it takes. I'll climb up the ladder of power if I have to so I can divert resources to occupations. I will become unstoppable. No one fucks with the people and things I care about. Noone. I hope Hambi stays. If not, I've got some fucking big plans and a lot of calls to make. Comrades and friends, the future will be the one we create. Keep believing. Don't lose hope. We can do this. Do not let anyone allow you to believe otherwise. The future is in our hands. Let's make it one worth living in. Hambi was, Hambi is, and Hambi better fucking bleibt. Sending love, rage, energy, strength and hugs if you want them. Don't be afraid of prison. If you come here I've got your back. You will not be on your own. It'll be okay. I'm in here for you like you're out there for me. STAY BRAVE. UP III