Letter #45 from UPIII

english

english

Still recieving Letters from the already released UPIII.

JVA Köln, Thursday, 27. September 2018

Dear Comrades and friends,

lately I've received a few letters telling me that my open letters sound bitter, desperate, frustrated and full of other sickening negative emotions.

I totally agree they do. Here is why.

Up until a week ago I spent every day of six months (minus half hour visits once a week) without a single human being able to understand me. That doesn't sound as serious as I wanted it to.

Imagine every single day waking up knowing that you only have a rushed half hour once a week where people aren't going to tell you that you're fucked up. I cannot put into words for you how absolutely puke shit that is. How alone I felt. How desperate and shit and fucked up I felt.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear until my nine months passed. I very literally wanted to not exist.  Not die, but just not exist. I even get letters telling me I'm fucked up- As if the people here don't tell me enough.

I'm still wondering how anyone can not only write but send me a letter with so much hate in it. Write that I deserve this, that I'm obviously a danger to society, I'm stupid, fucked up, the forest is a lost cause, etc. 

Cheers.

You could have at least included a return address so I could send you a drawing of a sun and a shit ton of glitter to lighten the fuck up. If you're reading this any of those who wrote such things - do not do it again. I burnt your letters. 

f I see your style of writing I will burn the letter the moment I see it. I do not care to be told your thoughts on/ of me. My thoughts of myself are (thank fuck) stronger than your negativity.

So, wow, I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have someone who understand me on a daily basis. Who fucking gets it.

Who understands I prefer the pronoun "they" and not "she" and why. And uses it.

Who understands what veganism is (and is also vegan) so we can talk about vegan problems because no one else fucking gets it. Fuck it is so fucking nice.

If I cry about animal abuse they fucking get it. They care about all animals too, not just the ones society tells you to love.

Who understands why I am here, and doesn't call me fucked up for trying to do something to protect and stand up for the planet.

Prison is an "occupational hazard", not a punishment for doing something wrong. Activists are not wrong. The government and State just try to make them feel like they are.

Who understand that it's not always easy to be in prison and doesn't tell me to "suck it up" just because I'm not sentenced to be here for years. Someone who understands that pain is pain and gives me space and time to be sad.

Who allows me to be sad in front of them and doesn't make me feel guilty for it. For six months I have had to bottle all my sadness inside me because no one has allowed me to feel (outside of visits) that it is okay to be upset about being here.

Fuck it is so fucking good to be able to be honest about how shit it is to be stuck in prison.

Who understand that sometimes I just really want to be alone, but that doesn't make me weird or a freak.

There's so much more I can't even remember. Prison itself isn't the hard bit, it's the people here. Every single day. Half an hour a week is nowhere near enough to conquer the absolute isolation of ... I don't have a word. 

The isolation of personality, dreams, shared ideas and all of that. It's why I started to isolate. I was so tired of hearing that I'm stupid, weird, strange and a whole bunch of other things. I felt less alone if I was by myself for most of the week than around people. How crazy is that?

So of course my letters sound desperate, bitter and soul sick for understanding! Because I was!

I'm okay now though, so much better.

Someone gets me, and I don't feel like it us just me, myself and I against the prison system.

But I still hope they go free. Prison is not a place for people. It'll break my fucking soul, if they stay. They deserve better, everyone here does. It'll be shitty for me again but so fucking what at least I can be happy I had two weeks of understanding or something. And I only have eighty one days to go until I'm free. Not long.

The day they go I'll cry. I'll be a fucking mess but I'll be so fucking thrilled they aren't stuck here too. No one should be here. It is so shit to be stuck. To count days. To have to hope and hope and hope for the day the gates open and you're released.

I need to post this now but I'm sending love, hugs (if you want them) and strength.

STAY BRAVE. 

UP III

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