english
JVA Köln, Tuesday, 19th June 2018
Hey friends, sometimes I feel like I write these letters just to have something to do (you might have noticed this in some of them) especially the ones recently. I’ve been trying to get out of my head, and that can be incredibly difficult here. I hate to mention it but some more stuff happened with X10 – I’m not going to discuss it here – but the result is that I’m exhausted, upset, burnt out and have been feeling incredibly shit about the whole thing for the past five days. I cannot even tell you – I don’t have the words – to describe my emotional state, even now, even after thinking about it for five days straight. I’ve spent two days (Sunday, Monday) sleeping, or trying to, I lie in bed and, for want of a better way of saying it, allow myself to drown in my mood. Feel shit, then feel more shit because I feel shit and won’t let it go, repeat cycle. I haven’t had the energy or inclination to go to Umschluss (however it is spelt) and barely manage to drag myself up for Freistunde. I feel better after Freistunde though, after talking to people about things that aren’t my problems (listening to their problems is okay though, I can handle that). This mood was deepened yesterday when I found out my court trial was canceled.(1) I have no date to count down to. This didn’t bother me before, but for some reason does now. It’s back to the void, the unknown. Except now I know the only way out of here is a trial, which I don’t have, which (seems) to be organized a minimum of a month in advance. So, back to waiting. Today also marks three months here. I was taken on the 19th of March, it’s now the 19th of June. On Thursday last week I was told I’d have a visit today, I don’t know what happened but it was canceled (I think it might have been because my lawyer came yesterday, and I hope you guys didn’t stress about it, I don’t mind I promise!) but I got to go to a German language class instead which I was super happy about – I missed out last Thursday because of the last visit. The German teacher is really good, and they expressed a lot of disbelief that I’m still in prison (as do most other people here). At least I might be able to speak fairly well in German by the time I can go free. This made me smile and the teacher handed me some extra sheets so I can go on ahead and learn more. It gave me a bit of a “pick me up” which I really needed. Just to hear I’m doing well at something, and that I’m not the only one who thinks my whole situation is ridiculous. I’m taking little breaks while I write this so I don’t feel like I’m just “writing to write”. My emotions are still a mess, and I don’t want to just write shit I don’t mean or whatever because I don’t know where my head is at. Even writing this feels exhausting. Last week (or was it the week before?) when I found out about the trial I decided to request a TV (You pay a monthly rental fee to have it, one of the reasons I didn’t want one because I’d rather buy fruit in the shopping than rent something). Anyway it arrived today. I wanted it just to have something to look at, that isn’t the same four walls, lawn the things I have no choice but to look at day, after day, after day. I wanted a break from the monotony of the prison routine. There’s so many “little things” I realize I very heavily underappreciated outside of prison. One of them is the connection to the world. A phone, a radio, a TV. Something to show me the world still exists outside of here. For three months I’ve only had a radio, but it slowly started to feel like not enough. I heard things, in German which I barely understand, but still something to say “things are happening”. I’ve got the TV now, a music channel, and I can’t tell you how great, how uplifting, it is to look at things that aren’t the prison. Even silly little things, things that shouldn’t mean anything, stuff I would never usually care about, or bother to watch. I’m flicking through channels and there’s a documentary on salt mining, and I’m just watching as the camera pans around the machines they use to crush the salt blocks into manageable chunks and I just, like, wow? It’s so easy to forget shit happens outside here, that life goes on. And, as sad as it is, that I’m being left behind. Battles, struggles, resistance, fights; they go on without me. And I can’t do anything about it, I can’t be there to help. Am I picking the “right battle” by staying here? Am I more of use here, or outside? I have to tell myself I’m making the right decision, that I made the right choice when I chose to stay, that I continue to choose to stay. This is bigger than me. And I can handle it, I can step up to the plate. I can see the end, because there must be one, eventually. That I can hold out; head up, shoulders back, ready to get out and hit the ground running. Let the time pass, let it wash over me, as it has for the past three months. Let go of the life I’m not living outside. Let go of the birthdays I’m missing. Let go of the people I love, for now, and tell myself I’ll make it up to them, this lost time, when I see them again. Write letters to them, as I do to you, saying the same each time; I miss you, I love you, I’m sorry, I’ll be out soon, whatever that means, I haven’t forgotten you (I hope you haven’t forgotten me) and I’m doing this for what I believe is a good reason, please go with it and trust me. I’m following my heart, and for the first time I’m making a real, conscious, deliberate effort to stand up and say “I Don’t agree with what you’re doing, and I will not stand idly by and let you keep doing it”. I don’t agree with prison or repression, and my choice here is I either give my name, effectively telling the state that if they put the pressure on we will cave in, missing our lives too much to keep up a title, stay an UP. Or,... my thoughts to the other option might not make it through post control... I guess you can see which I’ve chosen, as I continue to sign UPIII. Now I’m going to watch some TV, deal with my emotions appropriately and maybe write you another letter later if I feels up to it. Until then, as above, I love you, and I miss you terribly. Go have some fun for me, and tell me all about it (if you want to). Stay strong, stay wild, stay brave. Occupy, resist, fight, liberate. We are the fucking future. <3 UPIII/VⒶhra
(1) The info that the trial date got cancelled is an old info. The trial will be at the 24th July. – abcrl